“I Win. You Lose.” My Addiction To Being Right

There is a “black hole” in all of us.  I don’t know how it got there (some call it “sin”).

 

This deep, dark pit is our yearning to be loved, accepted, whole and complete.  As such, we are desperately trying to fill it with whatever we believe will help us hurt less and feel better.

For me, that “drug” was righteousness.  I was desperately “shooting up” and getting “high” (on my high horse, taking the high road, feeling morally superior as I looked down on all the foolishly misguided fools desperately needing rescuing from their foolishness).  I now see that filling my “black hole” with rightness was an attempt to satisfy my need to be admired, appreciated, accepted and loved. (Because, of course, who doesn’t love a know-it-all?)

We always hold tightly to the thing that we believe is the source of our love and esteem.  I was partner to an alcoholic for 15 years.  For most of those years, I felt like I always came in second place to the alcohol.  Nothing was more important than alcohol.  I didn’t get it then, but I get it now.  When you see something (anything) as your source filling that “black hole” of emptiness and longing, you will stop at nothing to hold, keep, defend and protect what you believe is your feeling better source.

Dr. John Bradshaw explains this sickness (that we all have) as desperately holding on to the thing that is making you sick, believing it is the thing making you better.  That, my friends, is what a 12 step program calls: Stink’n Think’n (it’s what we call in our 2-day basic training program: a distorted thought).

 I believed being “right” was the cure, not the disease.  I believed protecting and defending my political party (while attacking your political views) was the cure for this country, not the disease that fosters further polarization.

 

A few questions to consider:

– What are you addicted to?  

– What do you believe is your source for feeling better when, in all actuality, it is making it worse?  

– What are you desperately clinging to and fighting with anyone that threatens to take that away.

Seeing anything outside of yourself as your source for satisfaction and healing is guarantee path to disappointment.  Yet, we continually try and try to fill and fill our deepest needs of love, acceptance, admiration, worthiness, intimacy, etc. to desperately overcome our deepest fears of loneliness, meaninglessness, unimportance and more.  Cut out the middle-man as it were.  Jesus himself said The Kingdom of Heaven is within you (Luke 17).

I am in the process of recovering from my addiction to “rightness” (convincing others of their “wrongness”). I am learning that we all have preferences and choice.  As Dr. Wong reminded Pickle Rick, “We all get to choose” (Rick and Morty, season 3, episode 3).  

I choose the God of my understanding as my source of healing, serenity and joy.  I recognize my Higher Power (a presence greater than me yet still dwelling inside me) as my Source for unconditional love, acceptance, joy and purpose.  

Here’s a hot tip: Any one trying to control you or convince you that your “source” is them (or their belief – like I once did) is struggling with their own addiction.  Any pastor or spiritual leader trying to convince you that good things will manifest when you give them lots of money is addicted to their own desperate need for admiration and power.  Any partner discounting or dismissing your needs (treating you as second-class) is addicted to their own attempts at feeling better.  

The simple truth is this – we’re all just trying to hurt less and feel better – the “trick” is to tap into a satisfying source that never runs dry.  Because I am on a path of progress not perfection, my recovery continues.