Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself

by | Dec 24, 2014 | Resources and Recommendations

Codependent No More Book Cover

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I have said for years now: “I am a card-carrying codependent in recovery!” I am a “helper” – driven to fix things I didn’t break and heal hurts I didn’t cause. I’m okay until you’re not okay. And then I work tirelessly until you are okay. My value and worth are found in what I do and not – in simply – who I am. I need you to like me and validate that I add value. I am a codependent.

Oh, wait… I said I was “in recovery”. So all of the above was entirely true early in my life and career, but thanks to the amazingly insightful Melody Beattie, I’ve been working on it – and me!

I have no problem admitting I’m a little – some days a lot – codependent. I think those drawn to the helping profession are a little – or a lot – codependent. That word has been tossed around since Beattie popularized it in the mid ‘80s. And it’s been since then that I’ve been reading, re-reading and recommending the work of Melody Beattie to all my friends, colleagues and clients.

I recommend this book – not for the person in crisis – but for the one helping the person in crisis. Let’s face it – helpers find value in helping (otherwise, we wouldn’t be doing it). But helping, if left “unchecked”, can easily create harm for us.

“Ever since people first existed, they have been doing all the things we label “codependent.” They have worried themselves sick about other people. They have tried to help in ways that didn’t help. They have said yes when they meant no. They have tried to make other people see things their way. They have bent over backwards avoiding hurting people’s feelings and, in so doing, have hurt themselves. They have been afraid to trust their feelings. They have believed lies and then felt betrayed. They have wanted to get even and punish others. They have felt so angry they wanted to kill. They have struggled for their rights while other people said they didn’t have any. They have worn sackcloth because they didn’t believe they deserved silk.”

This classic book provides a checklist of codependent characteristics – from assuming responsibility to accepting things you once viewed as unacceptable – and then provides amazing insight for moving toward your own sense of recovery.

I am a big fan of the chapter on Detachment!

If you are in a helping position or profession and worry that your value and worth may be entangled in the work that you do – I highly recommend Codependent No More. It is imperative that we learn to listen, love and allow people to be who they are…without “going crazy” because of what they do. Add to that, learning to listen, love and allow ourselves the same acceptance ensures that we’re healthy enough to continue our path of “healthy-helping”.

 

Dorie is a partner and co-founder of Crisis Support Solutions, LLC. Dorie counsels individuals and groups on various issues ranging from stress/trauma, depression/anxiety, relationship/family, grief/loss, victimization, etc. She trains coordinated and managed crisis intervention teams at multiple locations. Dorie has developed and taught courses in basic and advanced crisis intervention training programs. She is also a Compassion Fatigue Educator with the Academy of Traumatology.