Tired of Caring? You might have Compassion Fatigue

Are you sick and tired of meeting with people who are sick and tired? If yes, then you might be experiencing compassion fatigue.

In the early 80’s, Dr. Charles Figley coined the term “compassion fatigue” and has since defined it as:

A state experienced by those helping people or animals in distress; it is an extreme state of tension and preoccupation with the suffering of those being helped to the degree that it can create a secondary traumatic stress for the helper.

http://www.compassionfatigue.org

Compassion fatigue (CF) is different from burnout, as it is a direct result of caring for others. Symptoms of CF include, but not limited to:

• Gradual desensitization to one’s story / experience
• Lack of empathy 
• Decrease in quality care for others (sometimes described as “poor bedside manners”)
• Increase in errors
• Inability to connect with loved ones and friends
• Increased rates of stress in the household – that may lead to divorce and/or social isolation

CF is also known as “secondary posttraumatic stress”. Similar to posttraumatic stress (PTSD), criteria for CF begins with exposure to someone suffering from a traumatic event.

Think for a moment…how often do you sit with people who share with you the worst parts of their experience? An adult recounting their early sexual childhood trauma… A parent uncontrollably crying from the loss of their child… A spouse terrified of their abusive partner… A relative worried their family member may attempt suicide…

Those of us that work in the “helping business” are inundated with story after story of unbearable sadness, shame, worry, fear, abuse, conflict and more. It is continuous exposure to those suffering (and our inability to recover in between “exposures”) that is the first step towards compassion fatigue.

Although, the term may not sound as severe, compassion fatigue is a tragic consequence of loving and caring for people suffering and in need. Consider, the foundation of your entire career is loving and caring for people – and now, because of compassion fatigue – you are “dulled” to their suffering and lack the capacity to meet them with compassion and care.

According to Figley, the most “insidious” aspect of compassion fatigue is that it “attacks the very core of what brings helpers into this work: their empathy and compassion for others.”

I’ve seen it far too often (and experienced it myself)…in an effort to preserve and care for self, people suffering from compassion fatigue often detach from others, performing their work “robotically” (lacking empathy, patience and connection). Depending on the severity of CF, they may even choose to look for work outside of the caring / helping business, where interaction with people is limited and empathy is not required.

For those suffering CF, there is good news here. You don’t have to quit your job to find relief and respite. You will, however, need to make changes in mind, body and spirit. In many ways, it’s like being told you have a heart condition (pun intended). As such, your doctor insists you modify your diet while encouraging exercise, meditation, managing stress, etc.

People with compassion fatigue have a “heart condition”. Caring for others has damaged our hearts. But, it’s not beyond repair.

Consider these “modifications” to how you think and feel about caring:

1.”It’s All Up to Me”. When examining a thought, it’s important to determine if the thought is “reality” (actually happening) or “fantasy” (story I’m telling myself ).

Reality: If it actually is all up to you, then that is neither a fair or kind work environment. Everyone needs back-up. If you are the only one, then when do you go on vacation? What happens when you get sick? What if you need to pick up your child early from school? What about a “mental health day”? When do you get a break?

As a federal employee, we were required to run operation exercises in preparation for a national crisis. I was amazed to find that each role had (at a minimum) two back-up’s. The plans were written so that back-ups had back-ups.

This doesn’t mean that, like a bullpen, there are “players” standing around waiting to be called in. This simply means that colleagues may be cross-trained to do what you do, so you can be away as work continues. Cross-training affords us the opportunity to understand and appreciate each other’s positions and responsibilities.

Fantasy: On the other hand, helpers often fall prey to thinking that we’re the “only one’s” that can fix, mend, rescue, solve, resolve, etc. a particular person or issue. As if we’re fulfilling some “hero-fantasy” where we confidently announce, “I’ll take it from here”, then swoop in and “save the day”.

As a result, we end up leaving our “lane”, assuming responsibility, adding more pressure and overwhelming our spirit and our schedule.

People don’t need your “saving”. Instead, they need a kind heart, open mind and listening ear. They may even need someone to help explore options and consider various options. But, at the end of the day, people will do what they believe is best for them (self-determination). It’s not all up to us – it’s up to them!

It would behove us to remember that it is their life, their choices, their decisions, their freedom, their consequences, etc. Stepping in to “caretake” another disrespects their independence and ability to learn from mistakes and self-correct. Allow people the privilege to “fail”, then walk with them through the learning process.

2. I’m all alone in this. Is this reality or fantasy? In other words, are you really alone – or do you feel alone? Either one doesn’t feel good and both need to be addressed.

Reality: If you are truly alone in your work, then consider reaching out to others for “peer support”. We are social creatures. We need people for affirmation, affiliation, appreciation, encouragement and more. Make finding and connecting with peers a priority to revive and refresh your spirit.

Fantasy: If you’re surrounded by peers, yet, still feel alone, then consider talking with a professional. One of the symptoms of CF is isolating, that is: withdrawing from people, places and things. I think of this as “turtling”. I am a self-professed “screaming extrovert”; so, when I stop engaging with people, then this is a clue that I’m not okay.

When isolating, the last thing you feel like doing is connecting with other people – yet – this is exactly what helps. Find the courage to leave your “hiding place” and seek the comfort, attention and compassion of true friend.

3. I need compassion too. There is no fantasy-thinking here, this is 100% true. Even though you are “Super Helper”, you are still a human being in need of love, compassion and support from yourself and from others.

Yet, I have noticed an ironic trend, many those experiencing compassion fatigue report feeling little-to-no compassion in their own lives. They are often critical of themselves, unforgiving of their mistakes and unaccepting of their “weaknesses”.

It’s not uncommon for helpers to feel a lack of compassion at home or at work too. Imagine how frustrating it would be to have a job where you listen to the suffering of people all day, yet not feel heard when you share concerns with management. Imagine how demoralizing it would feel to express empathy for others, but not receive empathy when you come home from a hard day.

Helpers need compassion too!

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We need to feel loved, valued, heard and appreciate (all good things we pour into our clients, congregants, students, patients, consumers, etc.).

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This is why “debriefers” need debriefings, agencies need peer support, congregations need care teams, or a myriad of other programs dedicated to caring for those that care for others.

Compassion fatigue hurts our helpers and causes serious consequences, both personally and professionally. Help helpers hurt less (and feel better) by investing in an organized, informal support program. Cultivate a culture that encourages care for self while empowering care for one another.

Agencies / organizations: click here to learn more about peer support

Congregations / churches: click here to learn more about care ministry