From “Good Listener” to “Effective Helper”

I was recently asked one of my least favorite questions: What do you do?  I dislike this question because I can’t seem to answer it in seven seconds or less (I envy people who can identify their profession, mission or calling in just a few words).  I usually say things like: I help people help people dealing with difficulties (how vague) or I teach people how to help peers through a crisis (sort of).  Regardless of my word-salad answer, it prompted the other person to tell me how they just helped someone dealing with a difficulty.  After they shared their story, they ended with this: most people are just looking for someone to listen.

Most people?  Really?  I wanted to quickly challenge, but didn’t (it wasn’t the time to be confrontational).  So I nodded my head and we both moved on.

Clearly, I haven’t moved on…because I need to say this:

When a helper thinks “most people” are just looking for someone to listen – it might be that’s the extent of the skill-level of that helper. 

Please, don’t misunderstand – listening is incredibly important.  I would venture to say that “most people” don’t even listen all that well.  We tend to conflate hearing and listening.  Just because we hear someone talking doesn’t mean we’re actually listening.  This is why the first three parts in our 6-Part Protocol© teaches students how to listen and what to listen for (that’s 1/2 the protocol dedicated to listening).

But, if that’s all you know how to do, then that’s all you’ll do.

Since entering the world of peer support 17 years ago (coordination, curriculum development, and instruction), I have been championing peers (“lay people”, non mental health professionals) to dip deeper into someone’s stress and struggle.  I’ve heard it debated that a peer’s “job” is to listen and refer.

Listen and refer?  That’s it?

What about the actual helping part of being helpful?  Granted, an appropriate referral is indeed helpful, but if I’m going to pour my heart out to someone, I’d like a little more response than “thanks for sharing, here’s a number you could call”.

Again, listening and referring are incredibly important (which is why the last part in our 6-Part Protocol© teaches students how to make an appropriate referral).  But, I think this is short-sided and misses a wonderful opportunity for the peer to provide more intentional and effective support.

In my experience, just about everyone in crisis, stress or struggle is screaming for help in one of two ways:

As a helper, if you think all you’re there to do is listen, then that’s all you’ll do.  But, listening alone will not move the conversation to the healing part of helping.  While listening encourages purging (which is a necessary start), healing requires understanding.  Venting can absolutely help make the unwanted, uncomfortable feelings lessen (there is brain science to back that up), but it does not address the timeless question that plagues anyone dealing with a difficulty: Why?  As in, Why me? Why now? Why this? Why not them? 

Asking why is not about attaining information but gaining understanding.  A person overwhelmed by stress has likely been caught off guard by an unwanted situation or event.  After the initial shock (or disbelief) wears off, people commonly replay the situation over and over to analyze what they missed or how it could have happened in the first place.  Replaying and analyzing is an attempt at understanding.  We do this because we need things to make sense and when it doesn’t (when there’s a glitch in the Matrix) then we need to make sense of that too.

Why? Because understanding how things work (from relationships to the stock market to weather patterns) may lead to a more positive outcome / result.  In other words, we like to know how things work so we can work it to our advantage.

So, it’s no wonder that when the math doesn’t add up and our formulas fail us that we start performing an “after-action” in our minds to make sense of it.  When our own independent “investigation” turns up empty, we may then turn to a trusted friend / confidant / peer for help.

“Making sense” of stress, struggle and difficulties means gaining insight, deepening awareness and growing as a result.

We believe that can be an effective part of the helping and healing process. Our training program can teach anyone with a kind heart the skills needed to help people make sense of their stress and struggle.  It’s wonderful to offer a listening ear, but the truly helpful explores, reflects and reframes in a way that deepens awareness, empowers acceptance, and inspires healthy action.

Click here to learn more about our 2-day Basic Peer Support Training.

Click here to watch Dorie break down the Violation of Fairness (originally on Facebook Live).