Is it ever okay to say to someone: “Life’s Not Fair”?

Question: Is it ever okay to say to someone, “life’s not fair”?

Answer: No.  Never.  Not ever.

First of all, “life’s not fair” is an inaccurate statement.  Life is neither fair nor unfair.  Life just is.  It’s like saying, “the situation is hopeless”.  Situations  don’t have feelings…people have feelings.  The situation isn’t hopeless.  Instead, people are feeling hopeless about the situation.

It’s not life that’s fair (or unfair), it’s our decisions and judgements of it that makes it feel fair (or not fair).

Secondly, it’s a lazy, throw-away phrase that invalidates a person’s feelings about a difficult situation.

“Life’s not fair” is a dismissive and hurtful thing to say.

Has anyone, anywhere, at any time – after hearing someone say to them: “life’s not fair” – experienced an epiphany and gasped: “that’s amazing!  I never thought of that.  So helpful.  Thanks!”?  Likely never.

Which is why I implore you, delete this phrase from your “helping hard drive” and never use it again.

Fairness is one of the top four violations that people feel when in crisis (along with trust, safety and power/control).  How’s that?  We all make “agreements” in our relationships (and with ourselves).  Whether written, spoken, implied or assumed, we are interacting with a set of expectations (fairness, equitability, reciprocity, etc.).

The violation of fairness occurs (a) when the expectation goes unmet AND (b) something “bad” (unwanted) happens as a result.

A: There is an expectation (promise, if you like) and it goes unmet (resulting in disappointment).

I expected you to step up.  I expected to be selected.  I expected you would treat me the way I treat you.  I expected more from myself.  I expected to get paid what I was owed.  I expected you to handle it.  I expected I wouldn’t fall for it again.  I expected you to stay faithful.

B: Through no fault of our own, the unmet expectation results in something “bad” happening (unwanted, unexpected and deeply personal).  Only then, we feel violated and protest: Not Fair!…I didn’t do anything wrong…I don’t deserve this…

Like a math problem we can’t solve or an algorithm we can’t follow, suddenly, nothing makes sense and our belief system is shaken.

How could this happen?  Why did this happen? Why me?  Why now?   

A violation of fairness is a violation of what we believe about ourselves and those around us.  It can even intersect with a violation of trust and threaten our safety (or the safety of someone we love).  It can be a startling reminder that, despite our best planning, we do not possess power and control over another and our reach is truly limited.

I’m reminded of this in the book of Job (one of my favorite books in Hebrew scriptures).  In the first verse, Job is described as “blameless and upright, fearing God and turning away from evil.”  Job is doing everything right.  Here’s the formula: “I do right + I handle my business + I fear, respect and love God + I care for myself and family = I am blessed.”

Not in Job’s case.  Job does everything “right” and his life still falls apart.  At one point, his wife even implores Job to “curse God and die” (2:9).  Depending on the severity, a violation of fairness can fall quickly into despair and depression.

To sit with someone feeling a violation of fairness is to sit with someone struggling to understand why.  What once made sense, no longer makes sense.  They’re in search of support, not a pithy statement.

To say to this person, “Life’s not fair” is unkind and unfair.  You’re called to be a helper, return to your training and help them.

Be Capable.

(Santa Fe High School student Dakota Shrader is comforted by her mother Susan Davidson following a shooting at the school on Friday, May 18, 2018, in Santa Fe, Texas. Shrader said her friend was shot in the incident. Stuart Villanueva/The Galveston County Daily News via AP)

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Want to hear more about fairness?
Check out audio post: “Meet Distorted Shame with Fairness”
https://crisissupportsolutions.com/meet-distorted-shame-with-fairness/