Not sure? Answer the following:
- Do you often say “yes” when you want to say “no”?
- Have you become possessive of people and programs?
- Do you often think you can do it better?
- Have you stopped “making disciples” because it’s easier to do it yourself?
- Do you find yourself taking on more than you should?
- Do you assume responsibility for things that are not yours?
- Do you find yourself too busy to teach and develop gifts in others?
- Are you feeling so overwhelmed that you find it taxing to care for yourself?
- Are you tired most of the time?
- Are you sick and tire of caring for people who are sick and tired?
- Has caring turned to “caretaking”?
If you answer YES to many of these, you are beyond burnout.
It’s likely you’re experiencing compassion fatigue!
In the early 80’s, Dr. Charles Figley coined the term “compassion fatigue” and has since defined it as:
A state experienced by those helping people or
animals in distress; it is an extreme state of tension and preoccupation with the suffering of those being helped to the degree that it can create a secondary traumatic stress for the helper.
Compassion fatigue (CF) is different from burnout as it is a direct result of caring for others. Symptoms of CF include, but not limited to:
- Gradual desensitization to one’s story / experience
- Lack of empathy
- Decrease in quality care for others (sometimes described as “poor bedside manners”)
- Increase in errors
- Inability to connect with loved ones and friends
- Increased rates of stress in the household – that may lead to divorce and/or social isolation
CF is also known as “secondary posttraumatic stress”. Similar to posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD), criteria for CF begins with exposure to someone suffering from a traumatic event.
Think for a moment…how often do you sit with people who share with you the worst parts of their experience?
- An adult recounting their early sexual childhood trauma
- A parent uncontrollably crying from the loss of their child
- A spouse terrified of their abusive partner
- A relative worried their family member may attempt suicide
- A couple in conflict and considering divorce
- An unexpected diagnosis
Because you are in the “helping business”, you are inundated with story after story of unbearable sadness, shame, worry, fear, abuse, conflict and more.
It is continuous exposure to those suffering (and our inability to recover in between “exposures”) that puts us on the path towards compassion fatigue. It is a tragic consequence of loving and caring for those suffering and in need of support.
Compassion fatigue “dulls” us to one’s suffering (including our own), leaving us lacking the capacity to meet them with compassion and care.
According to Figley, the most “insidious” aspect of compassion fatigue is that “it attacks the very core of what brings helpers into this work: their empathy and compassion for others.”
Imagine that your doctor has just told you that you have a heart condition (pun intended). Because of this, your doctor insists that you make some changes – such as: clean up your diet, routine exercise, reduce stress, etc. People with compassion fatigue have a “heart condition”. Caring for others has damaged our hearts. But, it’s not beyond repair. It will require making a few changes in the way we work.
I have found a direct correlation between compassion fatigue and caretaking. Which makes sense, as compassionate people, we can blur the line of caring and caretaking.
Caretakers often say “yes” when we want to say “no”, struggle to maintain appropriate boundaries, sacrifice self-care for the sake of another, have trouble trusting others’ abilities to care for themselves, quick to “fix” or solve others’ concerns and so on.
Caretakers often think “it’s all up to me”, that is, we believe we’re the “only ones” that can fix, mend, rescue, solve, resolve, etc. a particular person or issue. As if fulfilling some “hero-fantasy”, we confidently announce: “I’ll take it from here”, then swoop in to “save the day”.
As a result, we leave our “lane”, assume responsibility, add more pressure and overwhelm our spirit and our schedule.
I don’t know about you, but people don’t need my “saving”. Instead, they prefer a kind heart, open mind and listening ear. They may even need someone to help explore and consider various options. Through training and consultation we are reminded that people will do what they believe is best for them (self-determination), as we need to continue our own self-care.
Another fallacy of thinking that caretakers often believe is: “I’m all alone in this.” One of the symptoms of compassion fatigue is isolating. I think of this as “turtling” (seeking safety and comfort from within your shell).
I am a self-professed “screaming extrovert”, so when I isolate it’s a sign that I am feeling overwhelmed. Ironically, the thing that helps is the last thing we feel like doing – connecting with the compassion of another human being. Receiving empathy and love reminds us that we’re not alone – and – we’re worthy of love and attention. Think of it like going to the gym. You may not want to go at first (even though you know it’s good for you), but after a good sweat, you’re always glad you went.
Even though you are super helper, you are still a human being in need of love, compassion and support. Contrary to caretaker’s “stink’n think’n”, it is not all up to you and you cannot (and should not) do it all.
Just as pastors need prayer, helpers need help.
You are not alone and it is not all up to you. There are members in your church that are bored with big smiles and chit-chat. They know that people are hurting and they want in. They are ready to get out of the pew and into the pain. They also know that you are overwhelmed and want to support you too.
My dear pastor friend, you are not the church. You are a dedicated servant and leader. Your sermons are, no doubt, inspired and your love for people is unmatched. But, take a moment to reflect on the questions we asked earlier…
- Has my caring turned to caretaking?
- Have I become possessive of people and programs?
- Do I truly think I can do it better?
- Have I stopped “making disciples” because it’s easier to do it myself?
- Do I take on more than I should?
- Am I assuming responsibility for things that are not mine?
- Am I so busy doing that I’m missing opportunities to teach and develop gifts in others?
- Am I feeling so overwhelmed that I find it taxing to care for myself (and/or others)?
- Am I tired all the time?
I was talking with pastor recently who confided that she would love to share more ministry opportunities with her lay-leaders, but church members are quick to respond: “that’s what we pay you for…”.
Disheartening, yes; but, also inaccurate.
We are the church.
Laity are the hands, feet, eyes, ears…one body with gifts to be shared in service to God and one another. Help disciples deepen their faith by providing training and opportunities to share in service and ministry.
If you are experiencing compassion fatigue, there is help. Consider the following:
- Learn the facts about compassion fatigue
- Implement colleague care / care ministry program to routinely “debrief” (confidentially share) with fellow helpers – providing a safe place to vent difficult feelings, reframe distorted thoughts and regroup
- Maintain healthy boundaries and personal responsibility for self-care and balanced living
- Practice of detachment
- Develop disciples and share ministry with those willing to be “first-line” responders – effectively assessing and addressing immediate needs and critical concerns
- Establish a “chain-of-communication” (protocol) for empowering care team members to confidentially communicate with pastoral staff
- Educate congregation regarding realistic expectations of pastoral staff and Biblical basis for training and empowering laity
This arch represents strength & support. - -
We teach teams how to provide effective mental, emotional, and spiritual support to those in need.